Mfonobong Inyang: Insights on Love and Relationships (Part II)

A significant number of events have transpired since the last

essay, providing me with even more material to delve into. It’s crucial to clarify that I am no expert in relationships; much of what I offer here is subjective and stems from common-sense observations. This disclaimer is important because it’s often stated that the first casualty of love is the ability to think critically. Therefore, it requires a highly self-aware individual to assess their situation accurately and implement necessary changes.

We Die Here, Literally

One of the most glaring warning signs in a relationship is being with someone who displays an excessive obsession. Many may find this view contentious, as the initial attention feels gratifying; after all, we all desire a partner who enjoys our company. However, this situation has a darker side: in due time, that person who showers you with affection may turn into a controlling figure. Such individuals tend to isolate you from your essential relationships, leading you to suffer silently while publicly defending their inappropriate behavior. Unfortunately, in extreme scenarios, some of these individuals may exhibit psychopathic traits, becoming aggressive if they perceive you trying to leave. This is why intimate partner homicides frequently occur at the moment one party intends to exit; they often rationalize their stance with the thought that if they cannot possess you, no one else will.

Residuals

I am conscious that reality can be unpredictable; sometimes, the available choice becomes the preferred option when the ideal isn’t in sight. Nevertheless, once you choose your lover, it’s important to treat them as if they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. There's a habit I find disconcerting; comments like, 'my wife wasn't my type initially, but here we are now happily married' may be accurate, yet they evoke an impression of settling. I believe past relationships should not be a frequent point of discussion. Personal experience has taught me I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who constantly reminds me I'm merely a rebound. If your heart is still with person A, then you shouldn't pursue a relationship with person B. Those subtle comparisons may seem harmless, but they can ultimately lead to the collapse of such relationships.

Choose Your Spec!

Following on from the last point, I sincerely think our world would benefit from honesty regarding the qualities desired in a partner. Ladies, if you seek a wealthy man, pursue him outright. Don’t enter a relationship with someone who doesn't fit that bill, as it may end in embarrassment. This will undoubtedly lead to unhealthy comparisons and pressure them to act against their interest. If you prefer a tall, dark, and handsome man, embrace your preferences without apology; do not date someone who falls short of that standard and expect them to embody characteristics they don't possess. Conversely, guys, if you find yourself attracted to a woman with financial means that are beyond what you can handle, it's wiser to look elsewhere. Otherwise, you may find yourself accusing her of being too materialistic. Some men may claim to be attracted to slimmer women but may secretly prefer those with more body mass. Should you inquire further, you might discover that they don’t overlook attractive fuller-figured women. Not every guy is glued to the English Premiership; some may have a more profound interest in the Bundesliga – if you don't understand, let's just leave it at that. By the way, slender men seem to regularly escape scrutiny regarding their preferences for curvier women.

Privacy Vs Secrecy

Though these two terms are often confused, a distinction exists between them. Secret relationships are those that almost nobody else knows about, while private relationships are those where selected people are informed on a need- to-know basis. This differentiation is vital because, while it may seem enjoyable to keep things under wraps, informing certain individuals can prove beneficial. As noted earlier, critical thinking often suffers when love clouds judgment; hence, external opinions from loved ones who know about your relationship can help identify red flags you might overlook. Love resembles a board game; while playing, you may struggle to see your next moves, but from the sidelines, you might spot many future possibilities. Occasionally, you may find the seemingly kind person you are involved with has a contrasting reputation with others, so do not assume you are special. Those who ride on the back of a tiger may eventually end up within its confines.

Bring Back Shame!

I came across a rather underrated online post stating that if no relative is currently embarrassing you on social media, you truly don't understand what God has brought you through. The monetization of personal lives is undeniably perplexing. I appreciate that algorithms favor couples creating content together, yet some displays are simply overkill, forced, and cringe-inducing. Why must we see your naked self while you are preparing for a 'Get Ready With Me' video? Is it essential to share every intimate moment you have with your partner online? We certainly don’t need to witness you both engaging in bathroom visits together. Much of what we learn about some relationships is against our will; at every minor occurrence, one partner whips out the ring light to broadcast their lives. They willingly expose their private matters but later urge their online followers to respect their privacy when things go awry. But how does that even make sense?

Friends With Other Benefits

When this phrase is mentioned, it typically suggests a relationship where sexual favors occur without romantic ties. My question remains: why does society train us to view it this way exclusively? Isn’t having a substantial bank balance ultimately enticing? It is interesting to note that many successful ventures began between friends. Isn’t collaborating or receiving guidance a significant benefit of friendships? Opportunities such as getting referrals, job leads, or even simple support can arise just by hitching a ride to work with a friend who possesses a vehicle. If you have a friend in an influential position, consider how you could offer them value, leading to a mutually beneficial connection.

By Yourself, You’re A Queen, but Inside a Relationship, You’re A Nobody

Let’s be honest: sometimes, being single is preferable to being involved with a mediocre partner. Many women lose their identities through their relationships, particularly with insecure partners who might diminish their worth based on their fragile egos. Numerous women may have entered relationships with grand aspirations, only to become mere shadows of their former selves due to a partner's inability to accept their personal or professional development. Imagine someone who initially meets you as a flight attendant but soon pressures you to abandon your career under false pretenses of fidelity. It’s all about control, and much of this behavior can be picked up early if one pays close attention, given that red flags are often visible from the start. As one philosopher has noted, “one who ignores the signs will witness wonders.” Taking a break to reassess your personal space before diving into another relationship can be beneficial; otherwise, your eagerness to be involved may just lead you to the wrong person.

By Yourself, You’re A King, but Inside a Relationship, You’re A Nobody

There's a currently popular sound online that states, “A man who avoids marriage and family is not wise. You won’t remain young forever, bachelor; go marry your wife!” While I find this humorous, I also question the wisdom of sweeping generalizations. This narrative inadvertently pressures men into relationships they may later regret. Consider why marriage is often the singular metric for being seen as responsible – it implies that everything prior to this was insignificant, with marriage being the ultimate goal. Indeed, marriage only highlights who a man is – whether they are faithful, dishonest, or irresponsible. As an advocate for marriage, I acknowledge the complexities involved, particularly regarding why many men postpone family life. Financial considerations are typically a significant factor, but many men prefer personal development before settling down with someone who matches their drive.

Let me offer some insights: many men may engage in relationships for prolonged periods but know precisely whom they wish to marry and, crucially, who they want to avoid during that journey.

The Ex-tein Files

It is evident that many individuals lack self-belief; one stark indicator of this is the careless nature in which they navigate their lives. Personally, I find no appeal in recording intimate moments with a partner; the possibility of such content being weaponized weighs on my mind. While it appears to be a sexual fetish for many, the age we live in is unpredictable. If you break up with someone who retains a video of those private moments and decides to post it online, even if laws exist against such actions, you are still at risk of exposure. Someone of high value or position may even find themselves cornered by a blackmail plot due to privacy breaches. I have encountered instances where a repairman exploited a customer’s personal data for profit. The dating scene today poses numerous dangers, with countless predators looking for unsuspecting victims to exploit.

On Code

There are sentiments suggesting that dysfunctional relationships have become commonplace while happy couples should be more vocal about their positive experiences. But why should they? Firstly, many satisfied partners might not be in the public eye. Our culture often glorifies celebrity relationships as the ideal when, in reality, successful partnerships often demand sacrifices that many cannot bear. Some individuals desire flourishing relationships but are taken aback upon discovering that hard work and commitment are required. One woman recently shared how she wakes up early to prepare meals for her husband, prompting heavy criticism, while another man noted that he handled home chores while his wife pursued her degree, branding him a 'simp.' When the student is prepared, the right educators will appear.